onward & upward

On Monday afternoon I was let go from my job after over five years there.  Needless to say, it was a shock, and now at a month shy of 26 I find myself navigating the uncertain waters of unemployment — or, as my friends who have been in the same boat for considerably longer have optimistically, if not a little ironically, taken to calling it, Funemployment. Today is the second day of the rest of my life, and it’s a pretty surreal adjustment.

So, here I am, splayed out on my boyfriend’s couch at 10:30 on a Wednesday, sipping coffee with all my tattoos out, where for the last half-decade at this time I’ve been wearing heels and a headset, frantically answering phones and attempting to keep an office running.  It feels sad and strange, but I can’t say it’s not also kind of liberating.

My psychiatrist recently told me that I have a real skill at constructing barriers for myself. Now, faced with an unforeseen stretch of free time, I realize that my job might have been my biggest barrier. I liked working there, and I took pleasure in my efficiency, but I never wanted to be a secretary, you know?  But let’s face it, I thought — I’m a community college dropout, so this was the best I could do, and so I pushed my deeper aspirations to the side, claiming I was too busy and too tired. What had been intended to be a backup plan had become simply the plan, and though I was definitely beginning to experience a sense of ennui at my office job, I think I had resigned myself to it, telling myself that one day I’d find the drive to move forward and pursue my creative endeavors. But honestly, if I hadn’t been fired, I don’t think I ever would have. My job was a wall I’d built in front of myself.

Although I’m completely fucking terrified, I’m trying to look at this whole situation as the kick in the ass I need to really try to do what I want with my life.  In a way, the timing couldn’t be better: with the advent of my personal attempt at achieving “radical self-love,” this is the perfect opportunity for me to really see if I have it in me to change my own life, to pursue my real dreams, and to hopefully never be a secretary again.

I’m grateful, then, that I have Cartoon Heart to turn to with all my ruminations. Over the next few weeks I have a feeling you’ll see my blog get more personal as I attempt to figure out what I’m doing with myself. I really appreciate your patience as I rebuild my toolbox (my graphics and editing programs were on my work computer) as well as my life.  As a blogger I’ve always hoped to be relateable, open and honest with my readers, and now I’m openly asking for any advice you guys can offer me as I work everything out. Thanks for sticking by me.

I’m ready to make a huge positive change in my life, and I think this is my opportunity to do it.