Tag Archives: friends & lovers

loving and losing and learning

In the fall in San Francisco I was in the bathroom at Zeitgeist and someone had scrawled graffiti in red lipstick on the back of the stall door.  It was big and messy and earnest and it said “MY ♥ IS BROKEN.”

I thought, Me too, girl.  Not broken like brokenhearted — I was in love then — but broken, like, it just don’t work right.

I confess, I have a history of being a serial monogamist.  Since I dove head-first into the dating pool at the tail end of my teens, my longest solo stretch has lasted only about four months.  And even when I’m actively single (meaning actually going out and attempting to connect with other human life forms, as opposed to inactively single, which involves sitting on the couch in my underwear watching “Snapped” marathons on Oxygen), history proves that I tend to spend a lot of that “alone” time hung up on some unavailable asshole or another who gives me enough attention to keep me interested until I find someone else who is actually willing to date me.  Then, inevitably — sometimes after a couple of months, sometimes after a couple of years — I realize I’m in a relationship with someone who, while possibly wonderful, is also probably wrong for me.  And so the whole process begins again.

It was the same song this year.  I found someone in January that I came to love a lot.  I still love him.  But the longer I stayed with him the more I realized how incapable I was of being in a successful relationship.  I hadn’t given myself enough time to figure myself out before falling back into the comfort of being part of a couple.  Maybe I had never given myself enough time.  I thought for a while I could somehow both find myself and figure out what it is I wanted and still stay with this kind, sweet person whom I feel is so deserving of good love.  Ultimately I had to come to terms with the fact that I was wrong.  My search for myself made me neglectful of my relationship to the point where it was unfair to remain.

It hurt.  It still hurts.  It’s really hard to leave someone you love when things just aren’t working and you can’t put your finger on quite why.  But I’m trying to be an adult and being an adult, I guess, means facing up to your issues and dealing with them instead of repeating the same old patterns.  So that’s what I’m trying to do.

As I’ve grown older I’ve really come to terms with the extent to which I thrive on male attention.  It’s not a quality I find particularly attractive in myself.  I like to think of myself as a strong, independent person, yet I find that I seem to thrive in a relationship, at least at first.  I like having a partner, someone that’s always in my corner, someone that I can call and complain to about the most inane shit and someone that will hold me when I’m feeling lonely, which is often.

But, you know, who doesn’t like that?  Just because I like that doesn’t mean it’s what I need right now.  My girlfriends tell me that feeling of emptiness passes, that you get used to being by yourself.  I have to admit that I have never been alone long enough to get used to it.  I’ve never not had that void in my stomach when I’ve been by myself.  I’ve gotten pretty good over the years at filling it with meaningless pseudorelationships and half-hearted connections, but the older I get the more I realize that filling a hole with crap is not the same as repairing one.

So I’m attempting to avoid falling into the same pattern.  And it’s not easy.  When I’m alone by myself lately (which is often, now being single and still with that pesky issue of not really having much of a job or social life) I find myself doing weird things like standing in one place in the kitchen staring out the window and then looking at the clock and realizing I’ve been doing that for twenty minutes.  Or going on endless slow walks around the same block that I’m sure make me look slightly crazy to my neighbors.  Or reading sample after self-help book sample on my Kindle while rolling my eyes and feeling vaguely patronized.  Or playing the same song twenty times on my guitar until all the people who live in a 100-yard radius of me wish I’d never learned “Rainbow Connection.”  It turns out — for me, at least — that being freshly single is a lot like being freshly unemployed.  There’s the same overwhelming combined feeling of ennui and uselessness.  The difference is that at least when that feeling comes from being unemployed you can blame some other bastard, whereas when you’re single by your own fault, the only bastard is you.

But just like being unemployed, I think there’s a hump here that is possible to get over.  I’m just trying to figure out exactly how to pull it off.  I know it involves keeping busy and developing new hobbies and making a lot of time for myself and it probably doesn’t involve drinking a lot during the daytime.  So now, as I seem to be wont to do whenever I’m faced with any kind of internal problem, I’m turning to you, my infallible readers, because you’re always full of good ideas and great advice.

What do I do?  What do I read?  Where do I go?  How do I figure this all out?  I want to have a successful relationship someday.  I really do.  The problem is getting from Point A to Point B in one solid piece.



Here’s what I wore yesterday…

Forever 21 hat, skirt, and wedges; Käärme t-shirt; Love Culture cardigan.

Can I lay some praise on my girl for a second?  I’ve known Hallie online for an embarrassingly long time. She sent me a couple of her Käärme t-shirts a while back and I’ve been living in them. The graphics are like nothing else out there right now, they’re soft and cut well, and above all I’m stoked to see someone whose blog I and aesthetic I truly love doing something really awesome.  The Kaarme shop is up online and I’m kind of in love with everything.  (How sick is this studded bag?)

seattle soundfest

I had such a killer time at Seattle Soundfest!  Four nights of playing shows, drinking beers, seeing bands, meeting amazing new people, and nonstop partying!  I rented a house with my band (Cunt Sparrer) and my friends in Bad Cop/Bad Cop, and it was definitely a weekend to remember.

Cunt Sparrer played at the Funhouse on Friday night (the following four photos by Shawn with the Sunbreak):

The Cro-Mags fucking killed it.  One of the most brutal shows I’ve ever seen in my life.

It will take me several days to recover.

more drawn style

Here are a couple more styling illustrations I did for my friends.  Thanks for all the feedback on my last drawings!  Those of you who emailed me asking for drawings of your own, I really appreciate the interest!  I’m pretty slammed right now but I’ll keep you posted, as in a couple of months I’ll be launching an online store where you can order hyper-customized personal styling illustrations like these ones for super duper cheap!  In the meantime here are a couple more of my test subjects:

Darcie didn’t really know how to define her style, but she loves her Frye boots and the color green, so I pulled together a fallish look for her that incorporates both:

MM6 Maison Martin Margiela knot necklace from Shopbop, ASOS blouse, Victoria’s Secret leopard trench, Moto skinny jeans from Topshop, Shop Suey Boutique satchel, Frye boots, Mark Pawson eyes badges from Tatty Devine, Zoya nail polish in Scarlet, pyrite knuckle ring from Urban Outfitters.

Brooke has cool, edgy style and selected a couple of pieces for me to build an outfit around:

Dylan and Rose denim jacket from Modcloth, Greatest Friend vintage dress via Etsy, vintage Thompson Twins button via Ebay, Low Luv x Erin Wasson evil eye cuff, American Apparel fishnet ankle socks, Deborah Lippman nail polish in Girls Just Want To Have Fun, Revlon Moon Drops lipstick in Hot Coral, Brooke’s own bag, Topshop creepers, star ring from Nasty Gal.

Check out more of my fashion illustrations at http://yournewoutfit.tumblr.com (and email me if you’d like to order one and you just can’t wait until the site launches)!

drawn style

During my time off from blogging I kept on top of my style game by doing little fashion drawings, coming up with outfits for my friends and then illustrating them.  It’s fun because coming up with looks for other people challenges me to think outside the box of my own aesthetic, plus drawing the outfits helps to better envision what they would actually look like in the real world.  Here are a couple of looks I illustrated for friends recently…

Sara is a French-Canadian megababe who never wears heels and sometimes gets her nipples out like it ain’t no big deal (pro tip: it ain’t no big deal and everyone should take a cue from this broad). Plus she has, like, the coolest name ever.

RAEN sunglasses from Urban Outfitters, Blood Is The New Black t-shirt, skinny suspenders from Amazon, YSL lipstick, Melie Bianco crossbody bag, Forever 21 skirt, Antiquated Crow flask from Etsy, three-stone cuff from Nasty Gal, Kingdog “Castrating Bitch” ’70s reproduction feminist badge from Etsy, Zoya matte nail polish in Dovina, American Apparel pointelle ankle socks, Pointer oxfords from Need Supply Co.

Gabi is a fatshion icon, MTV TJ, and one of my favorite people in the entire world (and here’s a photo to prove it). She runs GABIFRESH.com (formerly plus-size fashion mecca Young, Fat, & Fabulous), and I tried to come up with a look that reflects her edgy city style and her love for purple platforms.

wrap top, The Row sunglasses from 80’s Purple, Bare Escentuals Pretty Amazing Lipcolor in Strength, Marc by Marc Jacobs post earrings, Luv AJ chain connector bracelet from La Dama, Patricia Field skull knuckle clutch, Torrid skirt, Essie nail polish in Silken Cord, Senso Diffusion platforms from Modcloth.

You can check out my older illustrations at yournewoutfit.tumblr.com.  I’ll probably keep posting my fashion drawings here periodically, and if you like them, stay tuned, because I plan to launch a service-based site in the next couple of months where you too can be graphically styled by yours truly!

hotel california

You guys want to know the best way to kick off the summer and get in some relaxation after a hectic month of touring?  I’m pretty sure it’s two days in Palm Springs.  I met up with a handful of my girlfriends (including Hillary of Thoreau’s Daughter) at the Ace Hotel on Friday night for a weekend of drinking, tanning, and relaxing.

The Ace Hotel is pretty aggressively hip, which can give pause to a decidedly non-hipstery-type like me, but it’s cool and unpretentious and the grounds are absolutely incredible.  Killer pool, gorgeously appointed rooms, really accommodating staff, sick midcentury modern-style architecture…heaven, basically.

Dressing for Palm Springs is easy: flip-flops, shorts, loose tops and big sunglasses. Honestly, for 90% of the time I was there this was the extent of my “outfit”:

My roommate Farron stepped it up a bit when we went out for dinner.  I love her loose, gauzy see-through skirt and punches of chartreuse:

Hillary gave us all friendship bracelets to commemorate our weekend. We’ll be wearing them all summer long. Feels kinda ’90s and I like it!  Hillary also wrote about our weekend over at her blog, Thoreau’s Daughter.

This is how I know I must be home again…sob sob.

My next jaunt out of town isn’t until August, which is both a drag and a relief.  Looking forward to spending this weekend at home in Long Beach (I haven’t had a weekend at home since before I left for Las Vegas!), daydreaming about all the places I want to go next.  You guys up to anything good this summer?

what I’ve been up to, part 1

Part of the reason I took a couple of months off from blogging is because I was incredibly busy traveling with my all-girl Cock Sparrer tribute band, Cunt Sparrer.

Over Memorial Day weekend we attended the 13th Annual Punk Rock Bowling festival in Las Vegas, and it was an intensely epic weekend. I ended up in a wheelchair and lost a ton of money, but I got to see Cock Sparrer, we played a rad club show, and Blag Dahlia sat on my lap, so it pretty much evened out.

So much fun! Meeting everyone was amazing, and being in a wheelchair the whole weekend was a pretty crazy social experiment. The tourists in the casinos were rude and gave me a real wide birth, but every punk in Vegas was ready at a moment’s notice to give me a hand. Whoever said punks are mean had it totally wrong — punks are lovers, it’s everyone else who sucks!