Tag Archives: nail polish

nailed it

Since Instagram finally launched for Android I’ve basically just been using it as my personal nail blog.  (I’m ooohsaracuda if you want to follow me.)

Other adventures in manicuring lately include this glittery pink 3D fruit design:

A little kitty accent nail:

And these Muppety-feeling flocked nails, which I did following this tutorial from Cupcake’s Clothes:

Obviously I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands lately.  Uh, no pun intended.

this is a post about press-on nails

Yeah I’ve been a little bit MIA lately in complete flagrant disregard of my new year’s resolution to blog more regularly. I could talk about what’s up with that and about how I have no motivation to do anything and how I cry all the time but instead I’m just going to talk about press-on nails. SO.

As you guys may already know I have no problem with embracing the innate tackiness involved in wearing press-on nails. They make me feel feminine in a really over-the-top campy John Waters kind of way. Still, lately I haven’t been wearing them, but because I recently bit all my nails down to sad little stubs and then felt disgusted with myself every time I looked at my hands, I figured it was time to pop on a set again.

Usually I do kid-size press-ons from the 99¢ store because I am classy. Sometimes when I really want to get my elegance on I’ll upgrade to a set of Fing’rs petites from CVS. Because I’ve been feeling down lately I figured I would go ahead and treat myself, so I went on down to the drugstore last weekend to check out the selection.

Granted, the Rite-Aid on Bellflower and Stearns has some pretty righteous choices, providing you’re into super-long squared-off talons airbrushed with majestic goth-lite dragons which I think I have seen on the side of a van somewhere.  It was either that or your basic Revlon french tips — talk about the sublime to the ridiculous (you can decide which is which).  Then I turned around and discovered that Broadway Nails is REVAMPING THE PRESS-ON NAIL.

I guess the whole nail art craze and the Sally Hansen Salon Effects nail wraps and the do-it-at-home gel manicures forced Broadway, longtime purveyors of your basic press-on nail, to try to put a new spin on their old classic.  So these aren’t just press-on nails, OK?  They’re imPRESS.  They’re called a press-on manicure (which sounds, I guess, less trashy).  They’re endorsed by a person named Nicole Scherzinger, whom I understand is or was once something called a Pussycat Doll, so you know they must be good, because clearly who better to guide you in the ways of tacky femininity than a Pussycat Doll?  They retail for around $7.00 a set, but I’ve been seeing them on sale around town for about a fiver.

I selected a design called “Shout” (and at this point I will mention that the pattern names all seem to have been plucked straight out of nowhere — they have little to no correlation with the nail designs; i.e. a zebra-print set is perplexingly titled “Little Drumm’r Girl”), which without a doubt was the tackiest choice.  What can I say?  When I do things, I really do them.

I wasn’t really expecting to be all that impressed by imPRESS (woah!  See what I did there?), but you guys…I kind of am!  The package says they last up to a week “if applied properly,” but when is that ever actually true?  Well, in this case, it is.  They really are superior to the boxed press-ons I’m used to.  The above photos were taken after almost six days of wear.  The pattern stayed vibrant and I never came close to losing a nail.  Even things that would usually cause standard press-ons to threaten to pop off, like peeling open packages or applying the finger tension required to play a G chord on my guitar, posed no threat to my intensely tacky neon manicure.  Well played, Broadway!

This morning I applied my second set, a champagne-and-black lace pattern inexplicably called “Holla!”  (See what I mean about the stupid names?)

Each set comes with 24 nails in 12 different sizes, which is nice because I have kind of baby fingers.

Unlike traditional press-ons, you don’t use nail glue to apply these guys.  Instead they come with a cleansing pad to clean any crap and oil off your natural nails (nice touch), and each individual press-on has a strong, rubbery-kind of adhesive pre-applied on the back.

Usually my experience with this type of peel-and-stick nail is less than satisfactory, but imPRESS’s adhesive seems even stronger and more durable than nail glue, and there’s none of that noxious skin-bonding shit going on.  Plus when you’re ready to remove them you can just gently peel them off, and the adhesive doesn’t leave behind any funky residue the way nail glue does.  This is awesome.

Just peel off the back and press that sucker on.  Hold it down for about ten seconds and you’re golden.  It takes like ten minutes, MAYBE.

The thumbnails ALWAYS seem freakishly long and square to me, so I always trim them down with a nail clipper after applying.  (The other fingers are fine the way they are for me, but it’s easy to clip and file down false nails in the event that they are too long.)

I mean, really, we can call a spade a spade here — Broadway imPRESS are just press-on nails with cuter patterns at a cuter length in a cuter package.  I don’t know if this rebranding and Nicole Scherzingering is going to make girls who didn’t previously wear press-ons start wearing press-ons.  But as someone who already wears them, I wish Broadway the best of luck in their new endeavor.

AND I just wrote almost 900 words about press-on nails.  That just happened!  Sorry, not sorry!

things i want for fall

1.) I already have a pair of half-tint sunglasses but the perfect roundness of this 80s Purple pair is so good.

2.) I’ll be in San Francisco in late November so I’m going to need a heavier coat. Ideally I want something in an unusual color, so I’m really feeling the retro shape and slightly offbeat pink of this ASOS A-line coat.

3.) I’ve been spending a lot of time writing and recording music at home on GarageBand lately, and I really want a Stylophone — a pocket synthesizer invented in 1967 that’s operated with a stylus and has been used by artists like Kraftwerk and David Bowie.  It’s cheap (about $20) and compact, perfect for hyper-amateur musicians on the go like me.

4.) If Chanel is any indicator (which it always is), pale blue will be a popular nail color for the fall/winter season.  I like OPI’s “What’s With The Cattitude?”

5.) Well, these are skinny jeans with unicorns printed on them, so, nuff said.

6.) I’m completely obsessed with the UNIF Hellraiser loafer.  It’s a little out of my price range but I’m considering saving my pennies because it’s basically perfect.

7.) Uh, everything about this Actual Pain “Immortal Mouse” tank is incredible.

8.) And how good would this Disney Couture “Minnie X Mawi” black pearl ring look with it?

9.) I’m doing a lot of traveling this fall and I want to start documenting my trips in different ways.  I’m interested in getting an easy-to-use film camera like this Holga 120.  I’m so used to the instant gratification of digital photography that I think taking film photos might lead to some good, or at least funny, shots.

miss piggy, c’est moi

When I was a kid my sister and I were in possession of a hardback book with a powder-pink cover which taught me several very important things about being a woman — the importance of perseverance in the face of adversity, the proper use of the word “moi,” and that it’s completely acceptable to wear cocktail rings on top of your elbow-length lavender satin gloves.

Yeah.  Everything I know about being a lady I learned from Miss Piggy.

Photos of the book from Rad Library.  Nostalgia flooding back…and I’m still all about aping Piggy’s Chinese Banquet “recipe.”

Really though.  Miss Piggy is a total badass.  She was a feminist icon and a fashion icon long before you would ever have expected the twain to meet.  She was Samantha Jones long before Kim Cattrall stepped into those Choos and started “oooh, honey”ing all over New York City.  She was sexy, take-charge, and in control from the get-go, in a time when that kind of behavior was still taboo for women.  And the fact that Piggy did all this while being a puppet with a man’s hand up her ass is…well, it’s a pretty sweet metaphor, if nothing else.


Porcine perfection.  I want to know who designs her costumes.  The “Pigs In Space” getup has always been a favorite of mine and totally puts any astronaut gear Barbie has ever worn to shame.


Can we talk about Miss Piggy for President on the cover of Life back in 1980?  Or Miss Piggy writing about women in the workforce for The Saturday Evening Post in 1981?  Or what about Miss Piggy getting all fucking nu-Jayne Mansfield on the cover of TV Guide, also in ’81?  Piggy was a media juggernaut before media juggernauts even existed.  She could probably teach the Kardashians a thing or two about self-promotion.

Just.  Stop.  This is perfection.

Miss Piggy was brought onto “The Muppet Show” in the mid-’70s as a minor character, but quickly proved to be a huge hit with viewers.  In the late ’70s and early ’80s there was full-on Miss Piggy mania as her popularity eclipsed the other Muppets’ (even Kermit, the amphibian object of her affections — bittersweet, Piggy, non?).  Miss Piggy’s Guide To Life hit the New York Times bestseller list in 1981, an honor no other Muppet book had achieved.    Frank Oz, Piggy’s longtime voice and operator, has said that she is one of the few Muppets in the cast who has a fully realized, three-dimensional character.  She even has a heartwrenching backstory — with a father who died young and a disinterested mother, Piggy had to enter beauty contests to survive.  In an interview with the New York Times in 1976, Oz said that Piggy “has a lot of vulnerability which she has to hide.”  Rings kinda true, doesn’t it?


There’s just something about that pig, man.  In a way, I really think Miss Piggy’s psyche (and yes, I am talking about the psychological makeup of a Muppet, thank you very much) is relevant to a lot of young women today, and to the way we struggle with feminism and acceptance in a man’s world.  Miss Piggy is headstrong and independent, she’ll do anything to get what she wants, and she’s not afraid to speak her mind, but she also wants to look sexy and be desired, and as the lone woman in a “boy’s club,” she harbors a strong internal need for attention that seems almost contradictory to her trademark confidence.  Sounds kind of familiar, doesn’t it?

Miss Piggy has fallen out of the public eye since the ’90s but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for her, so I’m pretty excited for the new Muppet movie coming out in November (and maybe also a little excited because my movie boyfriend, Jason Segel, is involved).  As if that wasn’t enough to get me all hyped up, yesterday I learned that OPI has teamed up with Disney with a new line of Muppet-themed nail polishes for holiday 2011, so I can celebrate my Miss Piggy love in Muppet-approved fashion.

Just stop!  They’re all perfect!  But the pink, magenta, and red glitter shades are all specifically Miss Piggy-themed (“Excuse Moi!,” “Divine Swine,” and “Gettin Miss Piggy With It,” respectively) and they are also — naturally — my favorites.

I’ll leave you with this.  Kissy-kissy!

the unemployment chronicles

Man, turns out being unemployed is a great way to do things you’ve been meaning to do but haven’t gotten around to.  Today I did two!

First off I made a couple of necklaces:


I’m going to be making more and selling them on Etsy, I think, because I’m really happy with how they turned out. The skulls are clay with melted glass eyes and they look better in person, I think.

Second of all I tested out the Konad French Manicure nail stamp kit Beauty Knockout sent me.  I’ve seen girls online with Konad-stamped nails, but this was my first time using the system.

It’s pretty cool — you apply polish to a special image plate and then stamp the image onto your nails using a little bingo-dauber-type tool.  My first try didn’t go so smoothly, but practice makes perfect and it still looks pretty cute:

scumfuck nails

My ultra-tacky French manicure is a sneaky and paradoxical homage to GG Allin:


I used Fing’rs short press-ons and embellished them with gems from the bodega and lettered them with a Sally Hansen nail art pen.  I think they’re funny.  I sicken myself.

valentine in july

That’s what I feel like today…


I like this pink striped miniskirt; since it’s pretty body-skimming I kept things conservative up top:


Forever 21 miniskirt, H&M button-up shirt, Report flats, Banana Republic studded bar necklace, Classic Hardware heart charm bracelet, Forever 21 patent belt.

I’ve got Fing’rs Edge press-ons on again today, this time sheer with pink and black argyle-patterned tips.  Decorative French tips sorta make me feel like a softcore porn actress, but at the same time I kind of like that whole cheesy vibe.


Over the weekend I also tried out another 99¢ brand of crackle nail polish, Santee Shatter in neon pink, on my toes:

I think this brand might be my favorite of all the crackle polishes I’ve tried; the pattern comes out just right.  I painted it on over Sally Hansen Insta-Dri in Petal Pusher.